Stoke Poges Memorial Gardens Bereavement Trail
Stoke Poges
Welcome
Welcome to Stoke Poges Memorial Gardens Bereavement Trail. Take a journey with us through these tranquil gardens as you walk with the loss of someone you hold dear.
Everyone’s journey of grief is different and there are no right or wrong ways to live with loss. Similarly, the time it takes for a person to process grief varies. This journey is yours and yours only.
If you feel that you are not coping with your loss and everything is getting on top of you, make sure you reach out to someone for help:
- Samaritans– call free on 116 123
- Cruse Bereavement Support– 0808 808 1677
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
- Bucks Mind
- what’s your grief?
- Men’s Sheds
Dual process
There are broadly two ways of dealing with grief. One is focussed on loss and the other on making life work. They are referred to as loss-orientated and restoration-orientated. The dual process model holds the two in balance – both are valid.
This can help ease the sense of disloyalty that is sometimes experienced by a bereaved person when starting to rebuild their life.
It is ok to go through times of intense grief and facing your loss head-on. There is also nothing wrong with having breaks from this and taking your mind off the loss by doing everyday activities, watching a film, or meeting up with friends.
Often the two modes of working through grief go hand in hand and people will move back and forth from one to the other. This is perfectly normal and healthy.
1) Curve
The Bereavement curve talks about five commonly experienced emotions after a loss; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These are a series of points we may revisit often whilst adjusting to life without the person in our life whom we have lost.
There is no correct or neat progression from one stage to the next. As you walk through the gardens, there are many curved paths and walls.
Let them remind you that these emotions are normal and a natural expression of what you are going through.
2) Arches
Our seven arches follow a similar focus to our curved paths. Spend time amongst them as you walk in your grief.
Each arch represents one of the seven stages of grief:
- shock and denial
- pain and guilt
- anger and bargaining
- depression
- the upward turn
- reconstruction and working through
- acceptance and hope
3) The Dry River (stumpery)
This is a picture of when things weren’t as good as they could have been.
You may have lost a person you fell out with and didn’t have a chance to reconcile, or someone where you had a relationship you wished could be closer and for whatever reason this was not possible.
Or someone might have taken their own life, leaving you shocked and struggling to make sense of what has happened.
You may feel deep sadness, shame, guilt, anger, rejection, and regret. Allow this area of the gardens to lead you into reflection to acknowledge these emotions and to process what could or should have been.
4) The Covid Memorial Garden
The Covid Memorial Garden was funded by the Mobbs Memorial Trust, the Friends of Stoke Poges Memorial Gardens and the Tesco Community Fund to commemorate the impact of the Coronavirus pandemic and create a space of solace for visitors.
The central memorial stone of Welsh slate and York stone is carved beautifully by master craftsman Martin Cook.
The memorial represents a stylized oak tree, a symbol of strength, stability and endurance; qualities shown by many people during the pandemic.
Our hope is that this space will give visitors an opportunity to explore and process some of the emotions linked to the extraordinary circumstances of the pandemic and the effects it had on individuals, their wellbeing, their work, and their support needs.
This was felt especially during a bereavement when funerals were not able to take place in the traditional manner.
5) Butterflies
Butterflies, with their cycle of metamorphosis, are a beautiful symbol of life, death and transformation.
Monarch butterflies arrive in Mexico just in time to help celebrate the Day of the Dead. People think of them as a symbol of souls that are set free or the spirit of loved ones coming to visit.
Butterflies can also be thought of in terms of transformation from life as a caterpillar; to death, in their chrysalis; to life again when they transform into butterflies.
The loss of someone you love has a transformative effect on your life. Life as we knew it no longer exists. Like the caterpillar in the chrysalis, we are broken down and something totally new emerges.
What that looks like is unique to each person.
6) The Stone Table
The missing seats round the table represent those no longer with us. The one that we have lost will have shaped us, influenced us, impacted us.
They will always be a part of us.
How we take that knowledge and move on into the life we have been given will be up to us.
Take some time to sit and contemplate the impact that your loved one has had on your life.
How has this shaped you? Has this strengthened you to be a better person? How can you draw from this to continue travelling through this world without them?
7) Whirlpool of grief
Dr Richard Wilson’s visual picture of the River of Life, the Waterfall of Bereavement, and the Whirlpool of Grief provides a good way to understand the grief journey.
Imagine rowing along the river of life. The waterfall represents the shock and numbness of a sudden disruption to one’s life and the whirlpool at the bottom signifies the sense of disorientation and turmoil experienced by many after a bereavement. The person may feel ‘all washed up’ or ‘on the rocks’.
With gradual acceptance of the loss, we may eventually be able to travel along the river of life again on calmer waters. However, other cascades and waterfalls in the form of special events or memories might plunge us back into a whirlpool again as we navigate the river.
As you watch the pools and cascades in our Rock and Water Garden, reflect on how your loss has affected you and where you find yourself along the journey of grief at this moment.
8) Strings
Coming soon-
The Invisible String is a children’s book by Patrice Karst, illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff, telling the story of two children who learn that an invisible string connects them to everyone they love, even if they are far away or no longer with us.
Originally written for children struggling with separation anxiety, this story has comforted countless people of all ages by exploring the unbreakable connection between all of us.
9) Circles
Lois Tonkin, a bereavement counsellor, talks about the concept of ‘growing around grief’. Rather than saying that grief will go away in time, she suggests that grief will always be with us. Initially, it fills our whole being and gradually, over time, our life grows around it.
There will still be some days, when our grief is as fierce as when our loved one first died. And there will also be days when life feels more ‘normal’ again. It shows that the new life we grow without the person who died always includes the loss. Our grief stays the same and our life grows bigger around it.
The circles of the Rose Garden illustrate this idea well.
